Journal Entry # 1: Raw & Unfiltered

Disclaimer: I am human, with all the human emotions that come with it. I offer no judgment, just raw, uncut and unfiltered vibes.I'm not afraid to write this because I'm human, just like you. This is just a reminder that you're not alone. I go through the same things you do. That's why I try my best to speak realistically and authentically when I talk to you, Bloomers. Trouble doesn't last, unless you're causing it intentionally.

Me. I am my most prominent critic; I bully myself in my mind to the point I "almost" start to believe them. In a post I did a few weeks ago, I said I no longer want to be my own Goliath. I meant that with every cell in my body! However, I have moments when I become lost in my thoughts. Thoughts that I may fail, thoughts that I won't prove "people" wrong in my choices, thoughts of wondering why things happen to me (obviously, I know I'm not the only one who thinks this way). But it gets challenging sometimes when things look bright, and then BOOM, an unexpected curve ball comes out of nowhere. 

Sometimes, it's so hard to stay strong and not break. It's even more complicated when I'm drowning in my emotions but having to hide them. I don't care for people to know what's happening "sometimes." Just when I'm trying to keep my own shit together, an acquaintance remembers they're going through a "mid-life crisis" (sometimes over petty things) and need my spiritual guidance. I know I can tell them I don't have the mental capacity to help them right now, but I find joy in helping others, even when I'm oblivious to my own needs. It reminds me that, hey, this is me fulfilling some of your purpose. 

At times, I disappear into my own world and stop communicating. I don't want to answer questions or hear concerns, and I don't want to listen to the same old clichés about things getting better. I already know that. Just let me be. I know it can be frustrating for others when I do this. Still, it's how I cope when feeling overwhelmed or emotionally drained. I need time to process my thoughts and feelings in private. During these times, I find comfort in my company and the things I enjoy, like reading, writing, or listening to music. So, when you hear me say in my videos, "I know you guys don't want to hear this, but..." trust me, I know. I'm just like that, too. I've been through the same things that you're going through and learned that it's okay to not be okay. It's okay to take some time for yourself to heal and recharge.

Other times, I'm afraid to ask for help or talk about it - don't ask me why, either. But one of the answers is being in my head and fighting the constant battle of "you are stronger than you think." Which I am. No, I don't think it makes me look weak when I ask for help, but it's that independent mentality amongst other "personal" things that I don't. But I don't want to get too deep into that. 

It gets tricky trying to inspire, help, and motivate you Bloomers when I am going through my own trials, hence why sometimes I ask God, "WHY MEEEEEEE? THIS ISN'T WHAT I ASKED FOR." Then I catch myself and ask, "Why not me? clearly, it's for a reason." When I'm struggling, I remember having to go through these challenges to help and understand you better. So, when I have moments like these, I can relate to you. But more than that, as I encourage you, I also encourage myself. It's like taking off my human side and becoming one with spirit. I just go through the seasons of life casually. But it won't stop me from doing what I do best. Being Azalea! With that being said, continue to fight. Remain humble in all that you do. Let your actions be Christ-like & Let us not become weary in doing good for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.