Earthday Blues

No. it’s not that time yet. *giggles. But I’m sitting here free writing what’s on my mind. Trust me, this is normal to have a reflective post before my actual “special” day. I can’t believe it’s almost here. Strangely enough, I never thought I would reach this age & no, I am not telling you my age. Just know I am still young.

Anyway…I am writing this, but I don’t know what to say. Maybe I’m just overthinking this; perhaps I am not. I am usually more excited than this for my earth day. And this year, in particular, I should be, but I am not.

I feel slightly sad about it. I feel lost and confused, but I can’t explain why. Usually, I make plans for my birthday in January or early March. I sure did that! The thing is, though, I want to be alone. Seems strange coming from me, I know. But yeah, I feel the need to just shut down. Just really take time out to be by myself. I do enjoy being alone…. a fun fact! Though I’m a social person, I sometimes shut people out. I’ve already done the main thing I wanted to do for my special day (y’all should know what that is). Therefore there’s nothing else I really want to do. Except eat pizza, have some cake, maybe a little ice cream, watch television & open any gifts “if” I was to get any.

Mentally I am exhausted, and I think it’s playing a significant part in this. At first, I thought this was a phase, but we are already in August, and I still feel the same. My family has asked me what I am doing. I first said, “I want to sleep & keep my phone off.” My friends have asked me the same & I’ve told them I don’t really want to do anything. However, I do feel bad mainly because it’s evident they all want to do something for me, but I can’t get out of this funk. Maybe closer to the time, my spirit will change, but I doubt it will. Honestly, I don’t want anyone around me who will stress me out; I just want peace.

This year feels different for me. I feel like doors are going to be opening for me. This will be my year (fingers crossed) in my career and personal life, including B.W.A. It has me feeling scared but at the same time excited, but Lord knows I don’t feel like going through the warfare, trials & tribulations. Just ghetto. At the same time, this year feels, as I said earlier, sad & confused. I always talk about looking back to see how far you’ve come but keep moving forward. Boy, oh boy! I’ve come a long way, but at the same time …. I Just have the feeling of “I haven’t fulfilled everything I’m supposed to, and it feels like I have a void of some kind.” Recently, I went out with a few of my best friends, and we went around the room giving updates about life and a few accomplishments. I was SUPER proud of them; they had me feeling like a proud mother, but when it was my turn, I just felt Meh! I didn’t feel like I had anything accomplished or updated news from what they knew already. I did feel some type of way but at the same time… 

As I have said, I can’t fully explain how I feel. However, one thing I am grateful for is God allowing me to see another year above ground. Words can’t express that enough, but I am forever thankful. Praying these emotions subside, but we will have to see. I would go into much deeper details, but somethings should be left unsaid. Have a GREAT day, Bloomers & don’t choose violence!!!